Worth It

[flwrpwr_vampyre]

Pairing/Characters: Sylar/Luke
Rating: R - masturbation
Warnings: Angst
Disclaimer: I obviously don’t own Heroes.
Summary: Luke slid down to the floor in the shower, huddling in on himself.
Notes: Many thanks to flying_monkees and thepansythug for beta'ing this for me. Written for a prompt on the YAHAKM and since it turned out darker then they wanted it's getting posted normally. Also written for the mission_insane prompt Thinking Of You



Luke slid down to the floor in the shower, huddling in on himself under a spray so hot it was almost scalding. This was pathetic. He was pathetic. He honestly couldn't see how his life had improved. He knew how to put on an uncaring face, to act as if all he cared about was fulfilling some stupid childhood fantasy but he didn't think he was fooling anyone.

He wondered when Sylar was going to kill him. How badly it would hurt. He slid a hand down, wrapping it around himself slowly, biting his lip as he hardened. He didn't think Sylar would use it much; it wasn't a very useful power unless you really wanted to kill someone painfully.

He sped up, choking back a sound that was half a moan, half a sob. The water was quickly losing its temperature as his skin prickled into goosebumps and he just couldn't stop. He wanted to, he knew he should. Instead he pictured Sylar boiling someone alive with his power and his hand tightened, his hips jerking up into his closed fist.

It would be worth it, being killed, just to have something about himself that someone wanted. That someone like Sylar would want and he came, gasping, biting down on his other hand. The water quickly washed his hand clean and he tucked his legs up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them as cold water rained down on him.

He was so fucked.

Comments

[perdiccas.livejournal.com]

Oh wow! I can't believe you were worried about this; I think it's great! :D

It would be worth it, being killed, just to have something about himself that someone wanted.
YES! OMG! Exactly. I really do think that Luke is that fucked and I do think that in the time he spent with Sylar he's suicidal in a way, lashing out and doing deliberately self-destructive things (like hanging out with a serial killer), so this absolutely seems IC for me. :)

And then that he gets off on the idea of Sylar using his power???? *ded*

Great ficlet! I hope you write more them <3

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

Exactly. Luke is so much more fucked up then they showed on the show. And what we did get to see was someone who I think would realize this and push it aside except for when he's alone. I think Luke hates spending time alone, regardless of whether or not he hates who he's with.

I definitely plan to write more. I have one more Luke/Sylar finished and a Luke/Lyle one because I think they're pretty together. I have a couple others I'm working on but I have absolutely no idea of how long they'll take to get finished. My writing is so sporadic.

Anyways, didn't mean to ramble at you! Thanks so much for commenting!

[ashedrake.livejournal.com]

Jesus! That's... that's perfect! I just... I'm speechless.

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

*beams* I love leaving people speechless!

Thanks so much for commenting! *hearts*

Edit: Also, I love your icon, it's so gorgeous!

[fatal-scribbles.livejournal.com]

Aw poor Luke. I want to cuddle him.

This: "It would be worth it, being killed, just to have something about himself that someone wanted." sums him up pretty damn well.

You really captured him, all broken and feeling worthless and though it's heartbreaking it's perfect ♥

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

You and me both. They'd be naked cuddles but those count too, right? *grin*

This is really how I see the character, he just needs someone so much that he just latched on the first person he met who was like him. And I think that Sylar leaving him is going to fuck him up beyond repair.

Thanks so much for commenting! *hugs*

[force-oblique.livejournal.com]

Hahah!!
Luke is disturbed and feel unworthy...
We already knew that but you wrote it so well!
i actually kinda liked Luke! :P

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

First, your icon cracks my shit up. It's hilarious.

And yeah, Luke is one fucked up kid. He breaks my heart.

Me too, he was such an interesting character and I really wish we had writers who would have explored him more, given him a bit more depth. And you know, didn't write him off so awkwardly.

[terraswrath.livejournal.com]

Wow, this is incredibly powerful and heartbreaking in all the right ways. Luke's angst and his desperation to belong bleeds off the page, and it's the first time I've seen this side of Luke - that must be there - in fanfic.

The first thing that jumped out at me after I finished reading with the juxtaposition of the "spray so hot" at the beginning, capturing his disturbed longing, and the "cold water" that "rained down on him", portraying how empty his fulfillment is.

This perverse idea that Luke would "wonder when Sylar was going to kill him. How badly it would hurt" rings true on so many levels, and it just goes to show how all of what he's seen has affected him. In the end, Luke is just a boy, and not a killer, so it's no surprise that Sylar's sadistic nature would've rubbed off on him. It creates a yearning crossed with disgust, generating the contrasting atmosphere between pain and pleasure.

I'm intrigued by the line "he just couldn't stop. He wanted to, he knew he should", because to me, he's not talking about wanking off in the shower. It's as if he's reflecting on his journey with Sylar: he knows this was a mistake, that he's going to get killed and the right thing to do would be to get as far away from Sylar as possible, but then he wouldn't be wanted, and that's what he wants above all else.

Of course, I have no idea if that was what you were getting at, but how he feels his death "would be worth it [...] just to have something about himself that someone wanted" seems to reinforce that point. It's such a powerful statement, and portrays how much Luke has been pushed to the back of the metaphorical closet the length of his life. It's almost as if he's justifying the reader why he's placing himself on death row - and doing a hell of a good job of it, too. Being wanted is such a basic human need, and you can't help but agree with him: that a long life of being invisible can't compare to the short life of being valuable.

I like how you've hinted at the idea of Luke both being very young and completely under Sylar's control at the same time. The way he "bit[es] down on his other hand" reminds me of how Sylar cannot tolerate those that are weak, and if Sylar ever found out Luke got off in that way may lead to his abandonment. Luke is so vulnerable and breakable in those last couple of sentences, the way he "tuck[s] his legs up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them".

The last line is incredibly harsh and rounds off perfectly the life that Luke leads now - brutal and relentless, and his inability to get away from Sylar means that he can only come to terms with his upcoming demise by getting off on it. A brilliant piece detailing how Luke has been completely broken by Sylar. Well done :)

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

I am completely in awe of this comment and currently feeling a bit on the dumb side.

I honestly wish I could say I'd written it with all of this in mind but I'm just not that smart. However I definitely wanted to show more of the character so while it wasn't deliberate I'd like to think that subconsciously I thought of it. *grin*

And can I just say that I'm so insanely pleased that this is what you got from my fic and I want to thank you for taking the time to write it all out.

[terraswrath.livejournal.com]

Awww, don't be feeling dumb! I'm studying both English Language and Literature in Higher Education so I tend to pick up on the literary techniques that writers don't realise they've done, and am compelled to let said writer know :) Plus I know how much more satisfying an in-depth comment is compared to a line or two.

You definitely subconsciously thought of it - the evidence is in the fic! Plus, when I was writing it all out like that I got to re-read it a few times, which is always pleasure when you find a relatively short fic that conveys the same power you'd usually find in a longer one.

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

You really know how to compliment a girl. *wink*

I'm speechless with pleasure right now and just want to thank you again. In depth comments are definitely fun to get and really help me see what I'm doing right in my fics and with my writing.

[terraswrath.livejournal.com]

I'm glad I brightened up your day :) And I hope to see more writing from you in the future!

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

*pimps self out* I have quite a stockpile of fics for browsing pleasure. And all have the appropriate warnings on them so you're not going to be shocked by non-con if it's not your thing.

[terraswrath.livejournal.com]

Hahahaha, oh believe me, non-con is definitely my thing. I can only think of one or two things that aren't my thing, but they're so obscure that I doubt you'll have written them. I shall go to your page immediately and have a read!

(By the way, I jumped onto your user profile and I couldn't help but notice that you have IM. Would I be able to add you?)

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

I'm curious anyways, what won't you read?

Sure, go ahead, I use AIM the most but I have the others too.

[karaokegal.livejournal.com]

Wow! Now that's what I call angst, and it feels very right for Luke. Good job.

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

I love writing angst, it makes my little black heart soar with joy. Luke is just a very angsty character to me, also very versatile to write, you can go both ways with him.

Thanks so much for commenting!

Also, where is your icon from, I love it.

[karaokegal.livejournal.com]

House MD-That's Hugh Laurie's hand from the shower room scene in "Distractions."

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

Huh, of all the things I never expected to turn me on, it was House. Lol. The things you find out about yourself.

[karaokegal.livejournal.com]

Well, if you have a hand fetish, than who the hand belongs to is less important. However, it should be noted that Hugh Laurie has absolutely beautiful hands. That's why the piano-gasm scenes they occasionally give us on House are so amazing.

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

*giggles* That's hilarious, I manage to forget that I do kind of have a hand fetish. I actually have a folder marked Hand Porn and will stare at actors hands in shows, I just rarely classify it.

He does have gorgeous hands. Also men playing the piano are always sexy.

[reiko-forrester.livejournal.com]

Man, Luke's screwed up. That's what I love about him. Course, you probably have to be messed up to fall for a power-stealing, near omnipotent serial killer with daddy issues. *ahem*
And this was short, but sweet. ;)

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

We aren't talking about you here are we? *grin*

It was fun to write and I'm glad you liked it, thanks for commenting!

[reiko-forrester.livejournal.com]

Who, me? XD

[takhallus.livejournal.com]

Oh wow, you get so much interesting stuff in a few paragraphs.

"It would be worth it, being killed, just to have something about himself that someone wanted."

I LOVED THIS!!! That is so sad but so Luke.

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

I try to. *grin*

It is Luke, poor little thing. He just makes my heart break.

Thanks so much for commenting! It thrilled me to see that you read it! *hugs*

[flying-monkees.livejournal.com]

God, you know how sad this fic makes me feel. You, and only you, could make me actually like Luke and feel bad for him. lol

Loved this to death hun. You make me jealous, that you can get so much across in so few words. *sigh*

Poor broken Luke, he just needs someone, no matter who it is.

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

*bows* It's because I'm awesome right.

And you know that's because I have to fight for every damn word. I'm jealous of YOU.

*stops the circle jerk*

He does need someone, poor thing. Sylar did him wrong.

[keevacaereni.livejournal.com]

Gah. I haven't watched Heroes since season 1, have not a clue who Luke is and this is still good.

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

Here's a pic (http://www.teenidols4you.com/picture.html?g=Actors&pe=dan_byrd&foto=554&act=459&mv=4&pic=52671) if you're curious.

I'm thrilled to death that it's good even if you don't know the character. *blushes*

Thanks for commenting!