Worth It

[flwrpwr_vampyre]

Pairing/Characters: Sylar/Luke
Rating: R - masturbation
Warnings: Angst
Disclaimer: I obviously don’t own Heroes.
Summary: Luke slid down to the floor in the shower, huddling in on himself.
Notes: Many thanks to flying_monkees and thepansythug for beta'ing this for me. Written for a prompt on the YAHAKM and since it turned out darker then they wanted it's getting posted normally. Also written for the mission_insane prompt Thinking Of You



Luke slid down to the floor in the shower, huddling in on himself under a spray so hot it was almost scalding. This was pathetic. He was pathetic. He honestly couldn't see how his life had improved. He knew how to put on an uncaring face, to act as if all he cared about was fulfilling some stupid childhood fantasy but he didn't think he was fooling anyone.

He wondered when Sylar was going to kill him. How badly it would hurt. He slid a hand down, wrapping it around himself slowly, biting his lip as he hardened. He didn't think Sylar would use it much; it wasn't a very useful power unless you really wanted to kill someone painfully.

He sped up, choking back a sound that was half a moan, half a sob. The water was quickly losing its temperature as his skin prickled into goosebumps and he just couldn't stop. He wanted to, he knew he should. Instead he pictured Sylar boiling someone alive with his power and his hand tightened, his hips jerking up into his closed fist.

It would be worth it, being killed, just to have something about himself that someone wanted. That someone like Sylar would want and he came, gasping, biting down on his other hand. The water quickly washed his hand clean and he tucked his legs up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them as cold water rained down on him.

He was so fucked.

Comments

[perdiccas.livejournal.com]

Oh wow! I can't believe you were worried about this; I think it's great! :D

It would be worth it, being killed, just to have something about himself that someone wanted.
YES! OMG! Exactly. I really do think that Luke is that fucked and I do think that in the time he spent with Sylar he's suicidal in a way, lashing out and doing deliberately self-destructive things (like hanging out with a serial killer), so this absolutely seems IC for me. :)

And then that he gets off on the idea of Sylar using his power???? *ded*

Great ficlet! I hope you write more them <3

[ashedrake.livejournal.com]

Jesus! That's... that's perfect! I just... I'm speechless.

[fatal-scribbles.livejournal.com]

Aw poor Luke. I want to cuddle him.

This: "It would be worth it, being killed, just to have something about himself that someone wanted." sums him up pretty damn well.

You really captured him, all broken and feeling worthless and though it's heartbreaking it's perfect ♥

[force-oblique.livejournal.com]

Hahah!!
Luke is disturbed and feel unworthy...
We already knew that but you wrote it so well!
i actually kinda liked Luke! :P

[terraswrath.livejournal.com]

Wow, this is incredibly powerful and heartbreaking in all the right ways. Luke's angst and his desperation to belong bleeds off the page, and it's the first time I've seen this side of Luke - that must be there - in fanfic.

The first thing that jumped out at me after I finished reading with the juxtaposition of the "spray so hot" at the beginning, capturing his disturbed longing, and the "cold water" that "rained down on him", portraying how empty his fulfillment is.

This perverse idea that Luke would "wonder when Sylar was going to kill him. How badly it would hurt" rings true on so many levels, and it just goes to show how all of what he's seen has affected him. In the end, Luke is just a boy, and not a killer, so it's no surprise that Sylar's sadistic nature would've rubbed off on him. It creates a yearning crossed with disgust, generating the contrasting atmosphere between pain and pleasure.

I'm intrigued by the line "he just couldn't stop. He wanted to, he knew he should", because to me, he's not talking about wanking off in the shower. It's as if he's reflecting on his journey with Sylar: he knows this was a mistake, that he's going to get killed and the right thing to do would be to get as far away from Sylar as possible, but then he wouldn't be wanted, and that's what he wants above all else.

Of course, I have no idea if that was what you were getting at, but how he feels his death "would be worth it [...] just to have something about himself that someone wanted" seems to reinforce that point. It's such a powerful statement, and portrays how much Luke has been pushed to the back of the metaphorical closet the length of his life. It's almost as if he's justifying the reader why he's placing himself on death row - and doing a hell of a good job of it, too. Being wanted is such a basic human need, and you can't help but agree with him: that a long life of being invisible can't compare to the short life of being valuable.

I like how you've hinted at the idea of Luke both being very young and completely under Sylar's control at the same time. The way he "bit[es] down on his other hand" reminds me of how Sylar cannot tolerate those that are weak, and if Sylar ever found out Luke got off in that way may lead to his abandonment. Luke is so vulnerable and breakable in those last couple of sentences, the way he "tuck[s] his legs up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them".

The last line is incredibly harsh and rounds off perfectly the life that Luke leads now - brutal and relentless, and his inability to get away from Sylar means that he can only come to terms with his upcoming demise by getting off on it. A brilliant piece detailing how Luke has been completely broken by Sylar. Well done :)

[terraswrath.livejournal.com]

Awww, don't be feeling dumb! I'm studying both English Language and Literature in Higher Education so I tend to pick up on the literary techniques that writers don't realise they've done, and am compelled to let said writer know :) Plus I know how much more satisfying an in-depth comment is compared to a line or two.

You definitely subconsciously thought of it - the evidence is in the fic! Plus, when I was writing it all out like that I got to re-read it a few times, which is always pleasure when you find a relatively short fic that conveys the same power you'd usually find in a longer one.

[karaokegal.livejournal.com]

Wow! Now that's what I call angst, and it feels very right for Luke. Good job.

[reiko-forrester.livejournal.com]

Man, Luke's screwed up. That's what I love about him. Course, you probably have to be messed up to fall for a power-stealing, near omnipotent serial killer with daddy issues. *ahem*
And this was short, but sweet. ;)

[takhallus.livejournal.com]

Oh wow, you get so much interesting stuff in a few paragraphs.

"It would be worth it, being killed, just to have something about himself that someone wanted."

I LOVED THIS!!! That is so sad but so Luke.

[flying-monkees.livejournal.com]

God, you know how sad this fic makes me feel. You, and only you, could make me actually like Luke and feel bad for him. lol

Loved this to death hun. You make me jealous, that you can get so much across in so few words. *sigh*

Poor broken Luke, he just needs someone, no matter who it is.

[keevacaereni.livejournal.com]

Gah. I haven't watched Heroes since season 1, have not a clue who Luke is and this is still good.