Worth It

[flwrpwr_vampyre]

Pairing/Characters: Sylar/Luke
Rating: R - masturbation
Warnings: Angst
Disclaimer: I obviously don’t own Heroes.
Summary: Luke slid down to the floor in the shower, huddling in on himself.
Notes: Many thanks to flying_monkees and thepansythug for beta'ing this for me. Written for a prompt on the YAHAKM and since it turned out darker then they wanted it's getting posted normally. Also written for the mission_insane prompt Thinking Of You



Luke slid down to the floor in the shower, huddling in on himself under a spray so hot it was almost scalding. This was pathetic. He was pathetic. He honestly couldn't see how his life had improved. He knew how to put on an uncaring face, to act as if all he cared about was fulfilling some stupid childhood fantasy but he didn't think he was fooling anyone.

He wondered when Sylar was going to kill him. How badly it would hurt. He slid a hand down, wrapping it around himself slowly, biting his lip as he hardened. He didn't think Sylar would use it much; it wasn't a very useful power unless you really wanted to kill someone painfully.

He sped up, choking back a sound that was half a moan, half a sob. The water was quickly losing its temperature as his skin prickled into goosebumps and he just couldn't stop. He wanted to, he knew he should. Instead he pictured Sylar boiling someone alive with his power and his hand tightened, his hips jerking up into his closed fist.

It would be worth it, being killed, just to have something about himself that someone wanted. That someone like Sylar would want and he came, gasping, biting down on his other hand. The water quickly washed his hand clean and he tucked his legs up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them as cold water rained down on him.

He was so fucked.

Comments

[terraswrath.livejournal.com]

Wow, this is incredibly powerful and heartbreaking in all the right ways. Luke's angst and his desperation to belong bleeds off the page, and it's the first time I've seen this side of Luke - that must be there - in fanfic.

The first thing that jumped out at me after I finished reading with the juxtaposition of the "spray so hot" at the beginning, capturing his disturbed longing, and the "cold water" that "rained down on him", portraying how empty his fulfillment is.

This perverse idea that Luke would "wonder when Sylar was going to kill him. How badly it would hurt" rings true on so many levels, and it just goes to show how all of what he's seen has affected him. In the end, Luke is just a boy, and not a killer, so it's no surprise that Sylar's sadistic nature would've rubbed off on him. It creates a yearning crossed with disgust, generating the contrasting atmosphere between pain and pleasure.

I'm intrigued by the line "he just couldn't stop. He wanted to, he knew he should", because to me, he's not talking about wanking off in the shower. It's as if he's reflecting on his journey with Sylar: he knows this was a mistake, that he's going to get killed and the right thing to do would be to get as far away from Sylar as possible, but then he wouldn't be wanted, and that's what he wants above all else.

Of course, I have no idea if that was what you were getting at, but how he feels his death "would be worth it [...] just to have something about himself that someone wanted" seems to reinforce that point. It's such a powerful statement, and portrays how much Luke has been pushed to the back of the metaphorical closet the length of his life. It's almost as if he's justifying the reader why he's placing himself on death row - and doing a hell of a good job of it, too. Being wanted is such a basic human need, and you can't help but agree with him: that a long life of being invisible can't compare to the short life of being valuable.

I like how you've hinted at the idea of Luke both being very young and completely under Sylar's control at the same time. The way he "bit[es] down on his other hand" reminds me of how Sylar cannot tolerate those that are weak, and if Sylar ever found out Luke got off in that way may lead to his abandonment. Luke is so vulnerable and breakable in those last couple of sentences, the way he "tuck[s] his legs up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them".

The last line is incredibly harsh and rounds off perfectly the life that Luke leads now - brutal and relentless, and his inability to get away from Sylar means that he can only come to terms with his upcoming demise by getting off on it. A brilliant piece detailing how Luke has been completely broken by Sylar. Well done :)

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

I am completely in awe of this comment and currently feeling a bit on the dumb side.

I honestly wish I could say I'd written it with all of this in mind but I'm just not that smart. However I definitely wanted to show more of the character so while it wasn't deliberate I'd like to think that subconsciously I thought of it. *grin*

And can I just say that I'm so insanely pleased that this is what you got from my fic and I want to thank you for taking the time to write it all out.