That Which Was

[flwrpwr_vampyre]

Title: That Which Was
Pairing: Tiny hint of Mac/Cassidy, otherwise none
Rating: PG
Warnings: Angst, canon character death, spoilers for the S2 finale
Disclaimer: I obviously don’t own Veronica Mars.
Summary: This wasn't going the way he'd planned at all.
Notes: My take on the S2 finale, with Cassidy staying more the way we saw him all season. Beta'd by flying_monkees and thepansythug.

She was looking at him like he was crazy. He wasn't, that wasn't what it was about, why couldn't she see that? He didn't want to kill her but she knew and he couldn't have anyone knowing, anyone telling. He didn't want to be looked at like he was a victim.

“You raped me!” she was screaming and Cassidy started to shake, the gun in his hand no longer steady. No, no. It wasn't rape, she couldn't even remember it, that made it ok. Surely she could see that. He hadn't even really wanted to but he had to prove to Dick, to himself, that he could. Only he hadn't proved anything, he'd barely been able to finish, images flooding through his head of being touched, of saying no over and over.

“I'm sorry,” he started, his voice cracking and he licked his lips. This wasn't going the way he'd planned at all. He'd imagined being strong, finally standing up to someone and he was still just himself, just Beaver. And he didn't want to kill her but she couldn't tell, no-one could find out.

“You have to understand,” he pleaded, blinking back tears. “I know everyone else didn't deserve it but I couldn't think of a better way. They were going to tell, I asked them not to but they didn't listen.”

“You just killed my father; he didn't do anything to you! He was on your side!” Veronica was hysterical now and he felt close to hysteria himself. He didn't want to do this; she was always nice to him, always called him by his name.

“I'm sorry, I didn't want to hurt anyone,” his voice was choked and he reached out to her before drawing his hand back. “Please, I'm not a bad person. I just want to be left alone, I want to be normal.”

At least he'd saved Mac from seeing this, there was no way she was going anywhere without her clothes. Mac didn't know, would never know and maybe one day he could touch her without feeling sick, without seeing him. She would be sad for a while because of Veronica, but it would be ok someday. It would be ok now that he was dead.

Suddenly Logan was there and in his distraction Veronica managed to get the gun away and was pointing it at him. He couldn't think of anything to say now and just hoped it was quick, that it didn't hurt. Logan was telling her she wasn't a killer and it suddenly came to him that even if he hadn't wanted to hurt anyone that that's what he was.

When he focused again Veronica didn't have the gun anymore and she and Logan were completely wrapped up in hugging each other, tears running down her face. Neither of them noticed as he walked over to the edge and climbed over. Then Logan saw him and slowly untangled himself from Veronica and moved closer.

“Beaver, you don't have to do this,” he started and Cassidy shook his head.

“My name is Cassidy,” he said calmly, working to keep his voice steady. “And nobody even cares enough to call me that. What do I have that's worth living for?”

Logan couldn't answer, or maybe there was no answer. He looked at Veronica.

“Tell Mac I'm sorry,” and now she was crying because of him and he sniffed, trying to smile at her and failing. “Tell her I didn't want to hurt anyone.”

And then he jumped.

Comments

[thepansythug.livejournal.com]

So much wonderful angst here.


Suddenly Logan was there and in his distraction Veronica managed to get the gun away and was pointing it at him. He couldn't think of anything to say now and just hoped it was quick, that it didn't hurt. Logan was telling her she wasn't a killer and it suddenly came to him that even if he hadn't wanted to hurt anyone that that's what he was.


Oh, that poor fucked-up kid. As you know, it's not even one of my fandoms, but you've made me need to get into it. This is good work as always.

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

You do need to get into it! *pokes*

Beaver just makes me want to cuddle him, he's got so many issues.

[flying-monkees.livejournal.com]

Awww, you have to feel bad for Cassidy, he just was trying to cope and he messed everything up. I just want to huggle him!

Great job hun, I really do like this. *sniffle*

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

I know, he was the worst person to pick as a bad guy. You only want to fix him.

Thanks, I'm glad it rang true to his character.

mixed up...

[yamipenguin.livejournal.com]

Fits Cassidy to a 'T'! I always saw him as one mixed up kid. That was hurting badly...I'm this serious bookworm, and several books I have read in past often touch the sensitive topic of child abuse. In them the victim either acts out, taking his/her anger out at others or they withdraw and loses all sense of self-confidence completely...I remember Cassidy aka Beaver as this quiet shy kid...But after he started dating Mac, he seemed to gain some self-confidence...*sighs* I wish I had been paying close attention to Cassidy, when I first saw S2 on dvd...Maybe i would have figured it out then instead of finding out in 'Not Pictured'...I like Mac with Cassidy-ONLY when he's sweet, psycho villian Cassidy just scares me...

Re: mixed up...

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

Heh, I can rage for quite a bit at the shitty writing that was in that episode. I wrote this just to write out the image of him that I had in my mind because it wasn't that I couldn't see him doing all that he did, it was just that I couldn't see him as this black and white evil character.

And trust me, as someone who watched him obsessively all season, you still don't see it coming. The writers said they always knew it was going to be him but I don't buy it.

Now that I've rambled at you, I'm so glad you took the time to read this and took the extra time to review it, this is honestly one of my favorite stories and I'm glad it stuck out to someone else. Thank you so much!

[lexalicious70.livejournal.com]

Oh, that was gorgeous. Thanks for the link! Cassidy is still my favorite character, and I hated what they did to him. I have this theory about what really happened on that roof, and will write it out someday.

Great fic!

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

Oooh, what's your theory?

Thanks! It's so sad that everyone who watches that feels the need to rewrite it because it was so bad and so out of character.

[lexalicious70.livejournal.com]

My theory is that Cassidy might have been capable of blowing up the bus, (even though he told Lamb that he went to the garage with his dad once and never really met Curly Moran,) but that he lied to Veronica about the rape, hoping that she'd shoot him. When he says, "And Dick thinks I'm still a virgin," he wasn't talking about Veronica at all . . . but about Woody. When you're a guy, there's really only way you get chlymidia from another guy. As for Veronica, I think she got it from Duncan or maybe from Logan.

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

To be fair, molested covers a range of terrible acts but I totally agree with you. I can't remember how old he was in that picture but I'm pretty sure he was wee. And you know how teeny Kyle is so I'm just going to shove the dimensions onto Beaver and say he probably looked younger then he was so Woody is twice as creepy in my book.

I think you're right about the chlamydia too. There are two very easy theories for her getting it, Duncan being in too much of a hurry to use a condom and Logan is very clearly not the type to worry about something like condoms.

[lexalicious70.livejournal.com]

YES! I'd say he was maybe 14 or 15. (More likely 14). Woody Goodman is the creepiest dude EVER. And I like Steve Guttenberg!

And dude . . . Logan slept with Kendall. KENDALL. Do you honestly think he used a condom every time? He was a total manwhore! (Much as I love him!)

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

I was thinking he might have been as young as twelve. I don't know the ages that kids are in little league though. I haven't seen SG in anything else so he might always be slightly creepy to me.

Right, we know he used a condom at least once but I'm thinking it probably wasn't every time and we don't know that he didn't have chlamydia the whole show. *giggles at that thought*

[15north.livejournal.com]

=( Cassidy/Mac was my ship! I hurt thinking about how wonderful they could have been had the season not turned out this way.

I loved that you put more explanation in this. I always felt that Cassidy was shown in a different light the entire season (and a bit differently from the little we saw in the first as well) than he was in "Not Pictured." I just wish we had seen some more confusion on his part, instead of what they played off to be evilness. They made him too much like Aaron in that way.

Wow, I haven't talk about this in such a long time.

Great fic. In so little words you managed to put a lot of emotion and reasoning behind his actions and changed up that scene, but still kept it canon. Nice job.

[flwrpwr-vampyre.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean, I adored them together. They were like candy and ice cream and frosting mixed, that's how sweet their scenes pretty much always were.

Actually the entire reason I wrote this was because of how furious I was at how they butchered his character. It was like a switch was flipped and he turned into evilmastermind!Cassidy and UGH. I still get pissed thinking about it.

Thank you so much! I really tried to keep it very in character for what we saw of him and I'm glad you think so too.